Monkey’s Thoughts Propel Robot
Yep, we’re doomed. Just what the world in crisis needed—a fucking monkey with it’s own giant robot.
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Monkey-controlled Robot
Tuesday, January 15th, 2008Hillary Sums it Up Best
Friday, October 26th, 2007In the most unintentionally truthful moment of her campaign, Hillary Clinton drew an evocative analogy in a speech yesterday: Hillary is to Bill Clinton as Jakob Dylan is to Bob Dylan.
In her remarks, the former first lady noted the presence of Wallflowers lead singer Jakob Dylan, the son of rock legend Bob Dylan. She seemed to share his story as a metaphor for her own presidential effort — that no matter how much her family connections may have helped propel her candidacy, she ultimately will win or lose on her own.
The Wallflowers, she said, are “a wonderful bridge, because we knew it was a talented group that was making it on its own. But the fact that Jakob Dylan, for many of us, was a connection to his extraordinary father Bob Dylan, made it even sweeter.
I guess she’s too square to realize that the Wallflowers are one of the worst, mainstream, mediocre bands to ever get pooped out of my asshole. Their very existence is a testament to the pernicious effects of nepotism. Their every move caters to the dullest common denominator. Meanwhile, Bob Dylan was arguably the single most influential and important communicator of the 20th century.
Ok, I see her point now.
And since we’re at it, how about that spiteful, racist bully who peaked in the late 80’s and should have ended his career, then and there? You know, the one with the high-profile, tumultuous love-life? The child-like tantrums? The intense, unrelenting obsession with 9/11?
That’s right, I’m talking about Axl Rose. That guy is a dick.
On the good side, Barack Obama has always come across as a very accessible black genius/showman with cross-over appeal. But watch carefully to see if he gets ass-less pants or changes his name to a symbol.
So that leaves Mike Gravel as… I don’t know… GG Allin? If you know who both of those people are, God help you.
Sir Robert Mofo and GG Allin 2008: Shitting ourselves for a better tomorrow.
Starting Up From Beyond the Grave
Tuesday, July 10th, 2007Youdeparted.com delivers your last wishes to loved ones using the World Wide interWeb after you pass. Why compose a legally binding contract like a last will and testament when you could use Flash video?
Some conjectured death messages/requests:
Jerry Bruckheimer, Hollywood producer
- “My funeral will begin with an aerial shot of the mountains of Western Pakistan. Through the desert races a 4X4 pick-up truck filled with Jihadists. Chasing the truck is my hearse. After a lengthy sequence in which my hearse is finally surrounded, 3 Apache helicopters fly in—decimating the terrorists. Cut to a close up of the hearse. There is a time bomb strapped to the roof—only 45 seconds left! A man rappels down from one of the choppers and removes his helmet. It is Tom Cruise. He delivers a (short) eulogy, and at the last moment, diffuses the bomb. Cue John Williams score. Roll last will and testament. A short reception for family and Steve Buscemi will be held afterwards. Let’s shoot for a July 4th release to ensure maximum gross.”
Emma Kipper, retired principal / mother of 2 / grandmother of 3
- “I may have died, but I hope that the guilt I instilled will live on.”
Queen Elizabeth II, Queen of British Empire
- “Fuck all y’all hater bitches.”
Unpossible!
Monday, July 2nd, 2007
Ted Kennedy sent out an email to supporters today encouraging each and every one of them to vote. Not in an election, mind you, but in a USA Today poll to determine which Springfield, USA will host the premiere of the forthcoming Simpsons movie. Kennedy is pushing for Springfield, MA. Check out this choice excerpt of the email:
As you so well know, every vote counts, and we’re in it to win. We’d greatly appreciate your support! With your help, as the great Ralph Wiggum would say, it’s “unpossible” for us to lose.
I always knew Mayor Quimby’s voice sounded familiar. The image of Ted Kennedy talking like Ralph Wiggum is one that I will take with me to my grave. This is a great fundraising letter… for the Comic Book Guy crowd. What’s next for fundraising aimed at nerds?
Hillary doing a crappy Sopranos spoof? Done
Fred Thompson appearing on Law & Order? Done
Edwards recruiting the emaciated zombie corpse of Anna Nicole Smith Ann Coulter? Done
Giuliani asking for money in Cartman’s voice? “9/11!-9/11!-9/11!” Inevitable
Wow.
Wednesday, June 27th, 2007Video of Ann Coulter vs. Elizabeth Edwards
To loosely summarize/interpret their points of view:
Elizabeth Edwards:
- Please stop making fun of our dead son
- Please stop publicly wishing for my husband’s death by terrorists
- You are not a nice lady
Ann Coulter:
- I am the destroyer of worlds
- I wish to drink wine cooler from your skull
- King Kong ain’t got nothing on me
i just realized
Thursday, May 19th, 2005I’m using a pocket computer to blog in real time at a star wars premiere. Thank you blackberry for temporarily restoring my virginity. Q
online for star wars premiere
Thursday, May 19th, 2005I have used my blackberry to log onto the site. Etc… Is currently pinned down in a sea of 1000 nerds outside the ziegfeld theater. Their was nearly a fistfight 2 minutes ago because of line cutting. The line just started moving. This wookie is looking at me weird. I have to go. Q
Does Time Warner Provide This Service?
Friday, April 22nd, 2005Buying time through ‘hibernation on demand’, could save lives
22 Apr 2005
Scientists at Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center have, for the first time, induced a state of reversible metabolic hibernation in mice. This achievement, the first demonstration of “hibernation on demand” in a mammal, ultimately could lead to new ways to treat cancer and prevent injury and death from insufficient blood supply to organs and tissues.
“We are, in essence, temporarily converting mice from warm-blooded to cold-blooded creatures, which is exactly the same thing that happens naturally when mammals hibernate,” said lead investigator Mark Roth, Ph.D., whose findings will be published in the April 22 issue of Science.
“We think this may be a latent ability that all mammals have – potentially even humans – and we’re just harnessing it and turning it on and off, inducing a state of hibernation on demand,” said Roth, a member of Fred Hutchinson’s Basic Sciences Division.
Lil’ Fucked
Friday, March 18th, 2005From the abc news story on Lil’ Kim’s conviction:
Assistant U.S. Attorney Cathy Seibel told jurors that the 4-foot-11 Lil’ Kim, born Kimberly Jones, had repeatedly lied to them, just as she did to the grand jury. The prosecutor belittled the defense claim that the sunglasses-wearing Lil’ Kim didn’t notice her two close friends at the scene of the crime.
“You would have to believe they were magic sunglasses that only block out your friends who were shooting people,” Seibel told the jury.
I think I saw those in the Sharper Image catalog once… they were $399.95.
Lastest Spam Porn Poetry
Thursday, March 3rd, 2005This e-mail starts with the promise of “How to have the best sex humanly possible”. It then depicts several women clearly having it, or pretending to. Once you get past this filth, we find these sensitive musings:
Dag
This book fills a much-needed gap.
Anybody can write a three-volume novel. It merely requires a complete ignorance of both life and literature.
None think the great unhappy, but the great. In time we hate that which we often fear.
Glory, built on selfish principles, is shame and guilt.
I have to act to live.
A powerful idea communicates some of its strength to him who challenges it.We have to hate our immediate predecessors to get free of their authority.
Hasten slowly and ye shall soon arrive. There is no end of craving. Hence contentment alone is the best way to happiness. Therefore, acquire contentment.
If you expect nothing, you’re apt to be surprised. You’ll get it.
Even if you fall on your face, you’re still moving forward.
Autobiography begins with a sense of being alone. It is an orphan form.A false enchantment can all too easily last a lifetime.
He’s the type who makes mountains out of molehills and then sells climbing equipment.
Wisdom lies neither in fixity nor in change, but in the dialectic between the two.
You’ve got to be honest if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
Frogs have it easy, they can eat what bugs them
Weirdest Porn Spam Ever
Tuesday, March 1st, 2005So I opened up my e-mail today to find a message filled with sexually graphic images. It looked like your run-of-the-mill porn spam, until I noticed underneath the pictures this message:
Xi’ik tech hats’utsil
Paradise is exactly like where you are right now… only much, much better. You cannot make it as a wandering generality. You must become a meaningful specific.
God doesn’t have any grandchildren.Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
We are like chameleons, we take our hue and the color of our moral character, from those who are around us. Drink not the third glass, which thou canst not tame, when once it is within thee.
Man must be prepared for every event of life, for there is nothing that is durable.
When you have got an elephant by the hind legs and he is trying to run away, it’s best to let him run.I don’t compete with other discus throwers. I compete with my own history.
No one who lives in error is free.
This most beautiful system [The Universe] could only proceed from the dominion of an intelligent and powerful Being.Though the dungeon, the scourge, and the executioner be absent, the guilty mind can apply the goad and scorch with blows.
Reality forms around a commitment.
There is no God, Nature sufficeth unto herself in no wise hath she need of an author.It must be that evil communications corrupt good dispositions.
May I always be worth of my friends.
In private grief with careless scorn. In public seem to triumph and not to mourn.
The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing: we know this in countless ways.
The e-mail came from a .UK domain. Figures, only the Brits would mix their porn with platitudes. -Q
Let’s keep things in perspective…
Thursday, February 17th, 2005So I went on Google news today. As I scanned over the headlines, I saw things like “Michael Jackson released from hospital”, and “Fans upset over cancelled hockey season”
As I got to the science section at the bottom, I discover that apparently our species is FORTY-THOUSAND years older than we previously thought:
http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2005-02/nsf-nca021705.php
Then I went to CNN, and found top headlines such as “Omarosa: ‘Apprentice’ feeds stereotypes”, and “NYC celebrity hawks spotted mating”.
Two things occur to me. One, looks like KRS was right about us all being from Africa. Damn. I really wanted Homo Sapiens to come from, like Missouri. Or a spaceship. Or a spaceship that crash-landed in Missouri. Two, news stories that change our understanding of the very origin of our species are really “the etc…” of the media. It should give the entire world staggering pause, but it’s drowned out by pedophile pop stars and baby chuckers.
I think 40,000 years is pretty important, yet somehow Wolf Blitzer only wants to tell me that MJ seems to have gotten over his influenza, but not his overwhleming urge to touch small boys. Meahnwhile, in the country where they found these bones, where we all came from:
ADDIS ABABA, 16 February (IRIN) – The death rate from disease among young children in a remote pocket of Ethiopia’s Somali region has reached crisis point, the global charity Save the Children UK (SCF-UK) warned on Tuesday.
It called for immediate medical intervention in Gashamo district, where as many as 18 children in a population of 14,000 were dying each week from diarrhoea.
http://www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/IRIN/1c63e160bc89cb2f45585b0ec954729a.htm
etc… etc… etc…
Magnificent Hour Ideas
Friday, January 28th, 2005Bush Press conference ends with killing of journalist- maybe use recent state department quote about violence and democracy in Palestine.
Roommates discussing hour
Sissy democrats support hour- But not the way it was implemented. Say they have a better plan.
Redtape- justice-empowerment office is packed. Long lines. Each of us plays several characters. we’re all standing in a line. As the actor at the front of the line speaks, they move to the back of the line and
become a new character. Each of us is very quickly explaining in one sentence our reason for wanting to kill our target.
Terrorists doing kidnap taping having trouble and arguing- creative differences. Don’t speak with accents when camera is off. They have given one hour deadline but no one cares. Hostage is terrified at first, but
then gets into creative concept of tape and starts directing it. One of the terrorists is really gay.
Roommates fighting again. Instead of chore wheel they have killing wheel. One of them is doing a confessional real world style. But then we realize there’s no camera and they’re just talking to themselves.
Roommates should makeup in the end and apologize for trying to kill each other.
General concept notes- I don’t think anyone should die after the reporter in the beginning. Build the tension that way. The key is to mix very broad scenes like bush or the democrats with very specific scenes like the roommates. This was key to first apocalypse.
This one could end with bush declaring that he’s going to purify the world for freedom. It ends with him pushing the red button on his desk to nuke the world. He shields his eyes from the blast. We realize that this is just the button to lower the projection screen in the oval office. The show ends with a 1950’s style short educational film on conflict resolution. Bush watches the film, then picks up the phone and tells the joint chiefs of staff to nuke everything. Lights go out with song “war pigs” by black Sabbath.
Edward Kang Introduction
Wednesday, December 15th, 2004Press Conference Text Transcript- DOJ Nomination Announcement
April 1, 2004, 11:17 A.M. EST
PRESS SECRETARY MCCLELLEN: Thank you all. Please be seated. With Chief Justice Gonzales’ confirmation, there is a hole in the cabinet. Today the President’s new nominee for Attorney General will say a few words, followed by the President. Edward Kang has served as a prosecutor, a judge, a champion of human rights, and for the last 3 years, as a bounty hunter in Central Asia. He has captured or killed dozens of rogue chieftains in Mongolia. He successfully snuck into a water filtration plant in Uzbekistan—by the time the technicians found his custom-built explosive devices it was too late. His domestic record is just as impressive—he has hunted both executives and the terrified children of executives from the mountains of Aspen to the dockside warehouses of Jacksonville. Mr. Kang is a father, a husband, and also wears specialized body-armor that he designed himself. His essays on tracking human prey have appeared in Soldier of Fortune, Snipers’ Weekly, and Jane. He is also an esteemed member of the Asian-American community—his mentoring program has turned thousands of at-risk youth away from the dangers of violent video games. Without further ado, it is my pleasure to introduce the nominee for Attorney General, Mr. Edward Kang.
MR. KANG: (Kang carefully approaches the podium, narrows his eyes at cameras). Fellow Americans, for too long the government has ineptly tried to administer justice. THIS IS EXPENSIVE AND BORING. The hunt will begin in two weeks. None are safe from the justice! You need to get a weapon. Make alliances, but trust no one. NO ONE! In this land, the fist is the law, and the gun is the truth. (changing tone to friendly) I would also like to take this moment to say that it is truly a dream come true to be nominated by the President. Only in America can the son of a Chinese assassin with ties to the Khmer Rouge become the Attorney General. I’d be happy to take any questions.
JASON BLAIR: Mr. Kang, Mr. Kang! Jason Blair, Wives’ Weapons Weekly. Is it true that you’re going to be outlawing the police?
MR. KANG: Yes.
JASON BLAIR: Really? I was just making that up. You’re really going to do that?
MR. KANG: YOU ARE ON MY LIST JASON. Kill me if you can, otherwise you are dead. (gestures to Candy Crowley) Yes, Candy.
CANDY CROWLEY: There are rumors that some of the more liberal Democrats will attempt to block your nomination.
MR. KANG: Yes, good question. I am a moderate. I will always reach across the aisle to consult with our Democratic friends. I appreciate their input. (changing tone) Also,
I wouldn’t get in any small planes if I were them. Heinz, Wellstone, Carnahan, Ebersol. They stood in my way, and they stand, no longer.
PRESS SECRETARY MCCLELLEN: Now the President will say a few words about his nominee.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Mr. Kang is a good man. He is a deeply moral man, who only kills when he must. I know I can work hard with him. Together, we will present America with a bold new vision of Justice. In just two weeks, each citizen will be able to list the name of an enemy on their tax form. By the way, we have simplified the form. Now you just write in how much you think you owe, and pay us when you can. Anyway, everyone gets one enemy. And everyone gets one hour to bring that enemy to justice. In that hour, killing this person will be legal. No more jails, no more trials, no more lawyers. Each one of us will be responsible for creating a culture of justice. In a society of ownership. We will live by our wits, moving at night. It will be a new dawn. IT WILL BE THE MAGNIFICENT HOUR OF JUSTICE.
