The Cozy Corner with Nic Sarkozy Editor’s Note: French President Nicholas Sarkozy has a rash under his left arm.

Some have asked where I’ve been. Running a fucking country, you dim ass. I am the President of France, and I’ll be goddamned if some fragrant sack of shit is going to lecture me about responsibility.

As regular readers know, I have some trouble sleeping. Ambien has been a life-saver in this regard. I sleep much better now, but sometimes, you don’t know what the eff you’re doing.

Case in point, the Presidential Palace has a wicked draft, esp as the autumn rolls in. I was fast asleep the other night when a breeze roused me. I turned over to the l’il lady, and said “Could you shut the window, Cecila? It’s fucking cold.”

Carla was not amused. “Go fuck the cold, Mick” she said, presumably referring to the fling she had Mick Jagger or Mickey Mouse or Mickey Mantle, whomever the fuck.

“Shit. I mean, Carla. Carla!” I said to a slamming door.

Well, you win some, you lose some, and then, sometimes, there’s a secret enrichment facility in Iran.

Helloooo living room couch! Fuck you Ambien!

Sorry again, darling.

–Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile—
Nicholas Sarkozy
President
France
xxx-xxxx-xxxx-xxxx

The Cozy Corner with Nic Sarkozy Editor’s Note: French President Nicholas Sarkozy thinks 2008 is the balls.

Where have I been? Well, the ugly truth of it is that I’ve been on strike.

The irony is not lost on me.

Previously etc3dot had given me space on the site in exchange for a modest pension that I would collect upon my 53rd birthday. I was, as they say in Lethal Weapon, all jazzed up for retirement. I’m getting too old for this shit, Murtaugh.

However, the higher-ups decided that, in order to increase maximize fucking me over or some such, that I’ll need to keep writing on this piece of shit for another 10 years in order to qualify. Fuck you, and fuck that.

I told Mr Perelson this and that I wasn’t going to be writing for this shitrag anymore. Mr Perelson, however, has very sharp nails. So I’m back. As Bono once said to me at Davos, “Let me out of this cage before I punch you in the neck.”

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The Cozy Corner with Nic Sarkozy Editor’s Note: French President Nicholas Sarkozy is thinking about joining Facebook, but is not sure whether he wants to deal with it.

Basically I’ve been feeling like a turdbot for the last couple weeks. The highlight was when this pancreatic cancer of a man got up my ass about my divorce in this interview for American television. I stormed the hell out because this asshole could do nothing but talk about my amazing ability to fuck up every relationship I’m in. Thanks for the sensitivity, Maury Povich.

Adding to all is the Chad situation. No, I don’t mean Chad Lowe the erstwhile husband of Hillary Swank (mind you, there’s a story there, too). What I am talking about is this kidnapping children / saving orphans stuff.

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The Cozy Corner with Nic Sarkozy Editor’s Note: French President Nicholas Sarkozy is shell of his former self.

Well, Cecilia found my porn stash. And as of today, we’re officially broken up for good. It’s over. Life is shit. Absolute shit. Can’t imagine waking up tomorrow. Why has God trapped me inside this ridiculous nightmare? I haven’t slept in 3 days. I don’t care.

It’s funny how this stuff hits you in the weirdest ways. Case in point, I woke up this morning to make myself and the boy breakfast. I’m sitting down to my Muesli, and all of sudden, that fucking Paul Simon song comes on the radio- you know, the one about me and Julio down at the schoolyard. I am transported back to when Cecilia and I were first an item in Marseilles. I used to do this silly dance for her to that song, wearing a towel around my waist and a pair of jockey shorts on my head. It seems so long ago now.

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The Cozy Corner with Nic Sarkozy Editor’s Note: French President Nicholas Sarkozy is pumped about France in the Rugby World Cup.

Against my better judgment, I decided to visit Russia this week. Initially I had refused to leave France until the end of the Rugby World Cup, but Bernard [Ed: Bernard Kouchner is the French Foreign minister] was yammering incessantly “Iran, blah, Russia, autocratic, blah, Putin, whatever.”

What really convinced to go was that Nickelback would be playing Moscow. Putin and I exchange mixtapes all the time, so it figured like it would be a chance to chill out with the motherfucker and see a kick-ass live show. Diplomacy in concert and what not.

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The Cozy Corner with Nic Sarkozy Editor’s Note: French President Nicholas Sarkozy is pissed off the Red Sox lost last night.

Man, presidenting a country as awesome as France is a pain sometimes. The stress, the abuse – I don’t know how Louis XIV did it. Oh wait, I remember – he held all his royals hostage in a big-ass palace and forced the law down their throats like they were geese getting ready for pate season. That must have been the life.

As a joke the other week, I said to Bernard [Ed: Bernard Kouchner is the French Foreign minister] when we were rapping about Iran, “Maybe I should just called Ahmadinejad up and say: ‘Call me Sun King, bitch!’”. Bernard was really not into that and suggested I could be impeached for that. “Impeached? I’m sorry – was I just given a blow job in the last minute by a freaky chunk mistress and didn’t realize it?” I screamed at Bernard. Then I lost it: “It’s called sarcasm, Bernie – have you ever even seen American actor Matthew Perry, you putz?”

I ran out of the office to the men’s room, trying to keep my shit together. Next thing I know I am in one of the stalls, just bawling my eyes out. I was really upset. Fucking Bernard – he doesn’t know a good joke when he hears one. He needs to watch Craig Ferguson more. Later I realized the real reason I had been crying was that I called Monica Lewinsky a “freaky chunk mistress.”

–Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile—
Nicholas Sarkozy
President
France
xxx-xxxx-xxxx-xxxx

The Cozy Corner with Nic Sarkozy Editor’s Note: Franche’s President Nicholas Sarkozy is a regular contributor to etc3dot.

The other night the wife and I had people over for dinner. Just a quiet get-together for a birthday celebration of our friend, Piotr. I put out some stuff for people to munch on before dinner in the living room: chips, salsa, M&M’s, that sort of thing. Anyway, one of the guests takes one of the candies I put out, and says “wow – this is delicious! What is it? Some kind of special fruit pastille?” “Shit, lady, it’s just Starburst taken out of the bag! $2.79 for a monster pack of tropical flavors at Duane Reade.”

Anyway, this is the point: has anyone else considered that Starburst is like crank? Lots of fun at first, but destroys your teeth and after having 20 or 30, you’ll consider having a three-way with Arlen Specter and your mother.

–Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile—
Nicholas Sarkozy
President
France
xxx-xxxx-xxxx-xxxx

(Editor’s note: Here are some pictures that President Sarkozy sent us from his summer vacation. Also read his take on America.)

People never give me a moment’s peace. Here I’m telling those fingerless paparazzi fuckers to “Suck it raw and ragged.” (AP via BBC)

What you don’t see in this picture: my hand is on Bush the Elder’s junk. (AP via Baltimore Sun)

Two more pics after the jump
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The Cozy Corner with Nic Sarkozy Editor’s Note: France’s President Nicholas Sarkozy went on vacation in America. Today’s column is Nic’s special extended take on America: it’s de Tocqueville and Alastair Cooke rolled up in a sexy French prime minister package.

Shit, I am exhausted. I think you Americans have a saying- I need a vacation inside my vacation, no? I seriously cannot understand how a fine-ass hotty like Laura puts up with that douchebag. All day, every day. Un-fucking-bearable. He never saw Pulp Fiction, never heard Nickelback, never read “the Da Vinci Code”. Won’t drink, ever. Won’t even drink wine, which doesn’t even count as drinking. His jet skis were absolute shit. What’s the point of running the most powerful country in the world if your jet skis are shit?

He made us clear brush for 3 hours. 3 hours!! All the cameramen had gone home. He just likes to clear brush, like some kind of inbred serf.

Still, I was taken with his simplicity. George and I were playing Scrabble one night and I had to use the can. So, I go off to take a dump (btw What a toilet! Sacré bleu!) and come back to see Bush puts down the word “anodyne” on a triple word score. “Ano-fuckin-dyne?” I say, “you seriously telling me you had those tiles?” “Uh. Yeah,” he mumbles, and laughs hysterically. But how are you going to fault him? It’s kind of cute, the blatant absurdity of denying any rules whatsoever.

After that ordeal, I was glad to go home and deal with the easy things, like child-rape.

On the home front, Cécilia is still busting my nuts about looking down Laura’s blouse, but a man cannot help himself. Then she pulled that “I have a sore throat” routine, which she usually only uses if I’m looking for some special service, yes?

Anyhoo, fuck America. Fuck New Hampshire. And fuck George and his bullshit jet skis. And fuck ano-fuckin-dyne. Yet I can’t help but feel that despite all this, the American people are generously endowed with niceties. Laura, for example: she is very nice. She should come visit sometime. So I can do her. (Kudos to Triumph the Comically Insulting Dog, for that one-liner!)

And now I will answer one letter that I received from a reader.

Dear President Sarkozy,

Your column seems somewhat out of character. Your writing is childish, and sometimes you seem to forget the most basic facts, even regarding yourself. Is it really you? Or just some kid in his basement pretending. I need to know!

Why do I write like a 17-year old American boy? Because I am!

At heart.

And I’m the goddamn prime minister, you goddamn giraffe-necked freak.

Oh, wait, no, I am President. My bad. Sorry. Thanks for writing!

Yours,

Nic

–Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile—
Nicholas Sarkozy
President
France
xxx-xxxx-xxxx-xxxx

The Cozy Corner with Nic Sarkozy Editor’s Note: France’s President Nicholas Sarkozy has kindly offered to write an irregular column for etc3dot. It’s just Nicholas Being Nicholas as only he knows how. Catch the wave!

As a national leader, I have to stay in touch with what’s happening on the American political scene. The Republican nomination has been of particular interest to me, because I make a lot of money, farm gold in World of Warcraft and eat babies. One guy who has gotten my attention is Ron Paul, erstwhile dancehall singer / rapper, who has opened some eyes because of his opposition to the Iraq War and because of his support for shooting up smack in hospitals.

I had no idea that Paul was an American congressman the whole time I was shakin’ that thing to Get Busy. I also didn’t realize that non-nationals (Paul is Jamaican) can run for President. More power to him. Shake that thing, Mr Mr Paul Paul! You’d have my vote.

–Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile—
Nicholas Sarkozy
President
France
xxx-xxxx-xxxx-xxxx