The Lottery
(Cue: Music for Elke Pilaf News Hour)
Elke: Hello, and welcome to a very special Magnificent Hour edition of the Elke Pilaf News Hour. I’ll be with you for the entire hour, bringing you the greatest event of American History live. Let’s send out to Marcia Lubbock who’s in West Virginia waiting for the Hour, which is due to start in just a couple of minutes.
Marcia: Elke?
Elke: Yes Marcia.
Marcia: Elke? Elke? Can you hear me?
Elke: Yes, Marcia, we do.
Marcia: I’m not sure if you can hear me, but the excitement is palpable here, Elke. After months of preparation and hype, people are so excited to get things started.
Elke: And that’s just what we’re hoping to do right now! The Elke Pilaf NewsHour is proud to be holding the first Magnificent Lottery.
(ELKE walks into audience)
Our studio audience is made of up every American whose social security number begins with the numbers “111-60-7”. We will now pick the last two digits.
Marcia, what’s the first number?
Marcia: The first number is ‘9’ The next number is ‘4’
Peter: Oh my god! That’s my social security number! It’s me! It’s me! (PETER with his wife LAURA to front)
Elke: What’s your name, sir?
Peter: I can’t believe it! Peter McCormick is my name! Laura, can you believe this? It’s so exciting! What did I win? (PETER and LAURA escorted by someone backstage)
MARCIA: Nothing! You’re America’s first person to be made Magnificent!
PETER: Wait, I think I totally misunderstood the point of this lottery. I thought it was for a Range Rover or chocolates or something
Elke: So sorry! By electing a random kill on your Kill Form, you also signed up for the Magnificent Lottery! And the lottery decides who is going to be liberated Magnificently!
Marcia: Now that’s what I call justice! Magnificent Justice!
Peter: But I don’t want to die
Elke: Made magnificent!
Peter: I don’t want to die, I mean, I thought… Laura, Laura!
Laura: Peter! Peter! Oh my god! No! (PETER is dragged off stage, LAURA chasing after him)
Marcia: Just 30 seconds until the hour is due to begin, Elke.
Elke: Indeed! The hour is just moments away! As soon as the clock starts (indicates clock on stage) Peter McCormick will go down the first person to be made Magnificent! Imagine the exhilaration! And I, Elke Pilaf, will be the first person to interview a victim’s widow.
Marcia: Just 10 seconds left, Elke.
Elke and Marcia: 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1
(clock begins)
Elke: The Hour has begun! As winner of the Lottery, Peter can expect to meet his Liberation by stoning.
Marcia: Astute viewers or seventh-graders may recognize the similarity to Shirley Jackson’s classic short story The Lottery.
Elke: You’re just another pointy-headed intellectual, hunh, Marica? I’d watch my back if I were you.
(uncomfortable pause)
(from back stage we hear several blood curdling screams. LAURA emerges from backstage)
Elke: Sounds like Peter is just about done. Laura, what’s your initial reaction?
Laura: So much blood, he looked at me right before he died…
Elke: And what did he say?
Laura: That he loved me. And that I should Tivo Lost for him.
Elke: Peter seems to have never really grasped the concept of death. Clearly a fan of ABC drama, though, until the very end! Was there blood?
Laura: Was there blood? My husband was stoned to death! What do you call this?
(LAURA shows her shirt which is stained with blood)
Elke: I see, well Laura, good luck with that
Laura: We don’t even have Tivo. We don’t have Tivo.
(LAURA escorted off stage, sobbing)
Elke: A powerful story of redemption, if ever I heard one.